The colleague and friend that initially inspired this blog has - after divorcing her AH - apparently found a "dream man." Yep - she is already happily out there in the dating scene and has found a real gem! Likewise, another dear old friend who suffered in a mentally abusive marriage for years has also found her "dream man" and is engaged to be married. And...ANOTHER pal is engaged to be married after losing her husband only 10 months ago. I am thrilled and happy for all of them.
Now all of these women are much better looking than me and it IS my understanding after reading many of those "dating after 50" articles that men are all really after the looks and that's basically it (meaning, my "stacks 'o brains and personality" aren't gonna cut it with the over 50 male set)....but this post isn't about that. Meaning, I am not going to moan about being a "plankton" (lowest life form on the sexual food chain...) and THAT is what this post is really about!
In a fairy tale world, my sons and I would have been swept away by a dream Hubby/Daddy after all the dreadfulness that we have endured. And actually that was one of those fantasies that kind of kept me going during the alcoholic awful years. I used to wonder about all those fellas out there and how exciting it would be that once Hubby was gone I would get to explore the wonderful world of romance again. Really, it DID keep me going....that romantic dream. In fact I used to feel pretty guilty about it; almost as if I wanted Hubby to go to the great beyond so that this new family life could begin. I anticipated the social whirl.
Then came that long night after Hubby's accident. When they used his living will to do the "pull the plug" order on my brain dead husband. I went into his hospital room one more time before they pulled the plug and kissed his still "alive" warm cheek and whispered, "Forgive me...I tried to do my best...." And 15 minutes later he was officially pronounced dead.
And I have had absolutely no desire at all to date or pursue romantic companionship or find any sort of "dream man" since! I even think that for awhile I had a bit of a crush on my karate instructor and you know, after Hubby died...I just looked at that instructor and thought, "Ugh...no way!" At first I thought that this was a natural reaction - that, of course, I was grieving and didn't want to do or feel anything unseemly. But after almost 4 years, I have had to admit that this part of my life is simply dead to me and I have zero desire to resurrect it. It is very odd to think that the last time I had sex was 9 years ago (because alcoholic men lose that function almost immediately it seems) and that I don't miss it! And I used to have lots of romance and sex and the whole nine yards...I was never a prude or a prig!
Now, this doesn't mean that I have let myself go to the dogs. I exercise and keep fit and take pride in my appearance. But that is because I need to due to my profession and for my own self worth - not to "catch a man." I went on a couple of those dating sites at the urging of my friends and just thought, "Yuck - no way!"
I guess that the fantasy was just a way to help me through the day. In reality, Hubby was apparently the "love of my life." Oh dear - what a disappointment! But there it is. In my case I suppose, "A woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle" is the truth! (I think my sons are secretly relieved at this - a dating mother probably would have mortified them!)
Couldn't agree more. There are (rare) times when I think I might want to date again and then I flick through a couple of dozen photos of eligible males online and, like you, say "no thanks". They are either too bald, too fat, too not-like-my-hubby. I just can't be bothered. I am by and large happy on my own, minus the alcoholic rollercoaster, able to decide for myself how to run the home, what to buy, how to decorate it.
ReplyDeleteWhat I found was that as a 50-something female, the 50-something guys were not looking for me anyway. It was the 70-something guys who were looking for me! I already nursed one man through his declining years; not eager for another. As my mom says, they are looking for "a nurse with a purse" (because I still work and also have life insurance money!)
ReplyDelete