Widows' Weeds

Folks who know me well know that I have a rather bizarre sense of humor. I keep being bombarded with ads for this t-shirt on my Facebook page:

I can't help but think, "...awaits me on the Other Side...in a bar...with a drink in his hand..." Whee! ;-P (I am so awful!) More serious and useful stuff soon!

Know Your Rights

I was recently chagrined to read comments on another related blog by someone who is obviously going through a great deal of financial hardship due to her husband's end stage alcoholism and death. It is prompting me to expand my comments to her here. Depending on where you live and your employment and financial status, this may help you. This is certainly not certified advice from a professional - it is simply what I experienced when I went through this. A lot of this advice is very cold-hearted but these things must be said.

1. The minute you know that your spouse is going down the tubes you need to spring into financial action. Don't lie to yourself - you know full well that your spouse is not going to ever recover no matter how much you must wish and pray and now it is "every man and woman for him/herself" before the ship sinks. I "comforted" my guilt feelings about this by reminding myself that I was doing my darnedest to preserve a good life for my sons. You must do this too - do not let your alcoholic ruin your children's lives or your life. Yes - you DO deserve a good life after all the hell you have been through. So start circling the wagons and prepare for the future.

2. Once you have accepted the fate of your alcoholic immediately start laying aside financial reserves. You must get a checking account in your name only OR make sure that your existing joint checking account with your alcoholic is in your name with the alcoholic as only a co-signer. Because once they die, your assets will be frozen by the bank if it is a joint account and it is a big pain in the butt to have to open an account in the name of the estate executor. If money is going into the joint checking account, move as much as you can into your own bank account each month. Since by this time you are probably paying all the bills anyway because your alcoholic just can't be bothered, they will never notice. Just leave enough so they can have their "allowance" with their debit card and not feel any financial pinch. You start paying all the bills from your own checking account instead. Really - they will never know.

3. If you all don't have wills - get them! Make sure your alcoholic has a will. Make sure your alcoholic has a living will and/or "do or do not resusitate" order. Because more than likely your alcoholic will slip into a coma and you will have to make the decision whether or not to keep them on life support after considerable brain damage. Make sure that you are clear on your alcoholic's wishes regarding organ donation because if your alcoholic is in a coma, those organ donor folks are going to come calling. A patient in a coma is their best chance of getting good organs. Hubby had both a living will and a "please donate everything possible" order so when the hospital staff came to me about both issues, they had a legal document telling them exactly what to do. And as for the organ donation - it will make YOU feel SO MUCH BETTER if they donate their organs! Because out of tragedy for you has come a miracle for someone else. Amazingly, Hubby's kidneys saved two lives. And his retinas gave eyesight to two folks who were blind and his cartilage assisted someone who needed surgery so they could walk. Every letter I got from the organ donation folks was like a little blessing - made me and my sons feel so much better. (by the way - have a "hospital bag" packed and ready to go - the bag should have the will, the living will and the organ directive in it; also already know what funeral home you want your alcoholic to go to. You MUST have answers to all these questions at the hospital and you will be so upset and grief-stricken that you will want those docs well in hand so you can give them to the right folks and just go and have a good cry in the bathroom).

4. Take out a big life insurance policy on your alcoholic and make sure that there is no "no pay if it is alcohol-related" clause. It must be "no fault life insurance." You are going to need that money and that is the money that your alcoholic would have made for you had he or she not been a victim of this terrible disease and thus could not make it. Dying from alcoholism is like dying from incurable cancer - they are diseases. At the very least, make sure that you get one of those little $5000 policies that are usually for burials etc. They will go far in alleviating considerable death expenses you will incur. Those little policies usually come free of charge from your employer or your bank or your credit cards. Check on that. Also - get a mortgage insurance policy if you own a home that pays for the home outright in the case of the death of a spouse if your spouse is the alcoholic in your life. Remember that life insurance benefits are not taxable income.

5. You probably don't owe as much money to creditors as you think you do. A lot of it depends on how your family finances are set up and also on the community property laws in your state. In the case of a death of a spouse, community property laws can help you. It means that they cannot come rushing in and take your house for example. It also means that you may not have to pay all of any credit card bills that were run up. If a credit card was in your alcoholic's name, you are usually not responsible for any of it (depending on the law and if your bank wants to be jerks - I was fortunate that Hubby's bank did not want to be jerks. Be careful though - make sure that they do not do the debt forgiveness as a "charge off" - get a letter from them officially stating that the debt is forgiven. Because it may show up as a charge off in your alcoholic's credit record which could hurt if you are applying for a mortgage in the future.)

At the very least, you would only be responsible for 50 percent of an alcoholic's credit card bill because community property means everything is split 50/50 even debt. You may even be able to negotiate with your bank on how much you owe on your mortgage. A good estate attorney will help you with all of this - they know the law.

Then you get an estate attorney (see wills above). If your alcoholic died with a ton of medical bills like mine did, all those hospitals are going to come gunning for you for their payments. Well, the estate attorney and you (or whoever is the executor of the will - probably YOU) make an inventory of your alcoholic's estate. YOUR HOUSE IS NOT PART OF YOUR ALCOHOLIC'S ESTATE!!!! It CANNOT be used to fulfill estate credit obligations! Neither can CARS!!!!!! If your alcoholic is like mine and died without a job or income - basically penniless - their estate is only their personal property that can be sold for a significant price. In the case of Hubby - the only thing he had of value that was his alone and not turned over to me as community property right of survivorship - was his gun collection. I had to have those appraised and then turn in that value as his "estate." Then the guns were sold and that pot of money was all the money that the creditors (hospitals) could claim against. It ended up that Hubby owed about $20,000 worth of med bills but his "estate" was only worth $3,000. So the estate attorney then writes a letter to each creditor and states, "This is your claim; this is how much the estate was and this is how much we are going to pay you. You have 4 months to protest." Now, sometimes they do protest and they could sue you technically, but seriously, they won't. Hospitals have this stuff happen to them all the time because people die in them all the time. They take huge losses on their bills - that is one reason why medical bills are so high. They have to recoup those losses from the living. That is why credit card interest rates are so high - they have to pay for all the "deadbeats" (in the case of Hubby - literally DEAD beat...). That is why credit card debt is called "unsecured debt."

Please don't fool yourself that things will get better and thus you do not prepare financially for life without your alcoholic especially if that alcoholic is your spouse. Sadly, though there are all sorts of happy endings, you will know at some point whether yours is NOT going to be one of those happy endings. And then you must protect yourself. Yes - it is cold-hearted in some ways; yes - it is calculating in some ways; but remember, the alcoholic no longer cares about you (they simply cannot ... it is a symptom and effect of their illness); they only care about alcohol. YOU must care about you (and mitigate the financial fallout for any other survivors like your kids).

Grace and Peace.

And…yet another post about Robin Williams

Geez - there have been dozens and dozens of posts about Robin Williams today. The most meaningful for me is this one by David Wong at one of my favorite humor sites.

Wong ends his article with this statement: "….this has nothing to do with life circumstances -- you were rich and accomplished and respected and beloved by friends and family, and in the end it meant jack fucking shit." This hit home for me because it was how I always felt about Hubby. Hubby had everything and he "blew it" with his alcoholism. However, I am doing Hubby a bit of a disservice here - Hubby suffered from depression which he attempted to "cure" with alcohol and it killed him.

Why do alcoholics and addicts become alcoholics and addicts? Many reasons I am sure. Some talk about having an "addictive personality". For some (Hubby is a great example of this), it may be sheer stubbornness; this belief that "I am an intelligent person and I DO NOT NEED ANY HELP with my depression - I can fix it myself!" Hubby would never go seek help; he felt that counseling was for "weak people" - not realizing that he was a "weak person" or perhaps knowing that he was and being ashamed of it. Perhaps I was partly responsible for this - I am a rather self-assured, almost outrageously capable person who, I am told, often awes and overwhelms people with my ability to face and overcome adversity (their words, not mine). Maybe Hubby was too ashamed to admit to ME that he needed help; maybe I am the type who did not invite such confessions of weakness. Maybe it is all my fault that he died.

Well, of course not really - we all make choices on how to cope with things and Hubby made his choice and I am not responsible for his choice though maybe I was a contributing factor to his choice. These are the thoughts that plague me still about his addiction and death. These are the thoughts that I imagine are running through the minds of Robin's friends and family. God help them and love them.

Williams' death has sparked this conversation among us even if only for a little while. I guess what I am saying is, there is a fine line between being kind and being an enabler. Many times those of us who live with alcoholics and addicts are so afraid of being enablers that we forget to be kind. But it is so darn hard, isn't it? Because alcoholics and addicts are such damn pains in the asses and they make our lives miserable. It is easy to say "Aw shucks - how awful" about a beloved celebrity like Williams. It is hard to say "Aw shucks - how awful" when you are comforting your child who has been cussed out by his drunken daddy for no reason whatsoever or when you are scrubbing and scrubbing that strange black goo that appears in the toilet every day that an alcoholic uses (what in the heck IS that goo? What in the heck was in Hubby's pee that caused that goo?! But I digress…) or when you are bailing your alcoholic out of jail.

Or when you can't sleep at night because your alcoholic is thrashing and crashing around the house because he can't sleep and is miserable and suddenly there is utter silence and you think, "Ah, at last he has settled down quietly and I can get some rest" (only to discover the next day that he sure did settle down… he fell down and died).

Be kind. Be aware of the contradictions in being kind and try to be ok with that. Because - yeah - your loved one may be the next one who had it all but it "meant jack fucking shit."

The Great Convergence of the Ill-Used Women

One of the people who kept me sane during the years of Hubby the Alcoholic and then continued to lift me out of my doldrums after his death and show me how to have fun is my roommate from college (I will call her "Roomie"). Roomie is a brilliant scholar, a college professor and dean, who really knows how to have fun. She is basically a small town southern gal at heart just like I am despite our highly-vaunted college degrees and jobs and such. This is what I love about her - she understands how I can get into both Stockhausen and AC/DC, art films and Transformers, classical and KISS. I love a fine wine but I love a cool 1960's Camaro with a hot engine at a bonfire on the lakeshore even more…. Roomie has been ill-used by men. This was constant during our time together in college and beyond. Her husband left her for a graduate student - left his beautiful, intelligent, big-hearted wife for a grad student…ah well…. I see Roomie a lot.

Now my second closest female friend is moving back into my town. I will call her "High School Besty". Brilliant vocalist, award-winning choir director got a job at a big high school near me. Also a small-town southern gal. Moving here this weekend. Besty has also been "ill-used". Was on the losing side of a divorce. So it goes. I plan on seeing Besty a lot.

And though I scarcely consider myself a "victim" I guess I must admit to being "ill-used". Because everyone who is manipulated by an alcoholic is ill-used. I know…you are only manipulated if you let yourself be manipulated, but it often takes awhile for us to figure it out! The alcoholic uses you (and your money and your kids and your life) all up until you figure it out either on your own or with the help of a support group or therapist.

I look forward to this gathering of ill-used women that I see happening soon in my future. Not so that we can sit around and moan and groan (none of us are moaners and groaners) but simply so that we can have some fun. We are talented, intelligent, healthy, good-looking women. By being so capable we became our worst enemies; the users were drawn to us because we could prop them up. We are smarter now. We can still have a good time and we deserve it. Cue the AC/DC...

That's all.

Two Years ago

Wow - two years ago you died ….

non omnis moriar

Falling Through the Cracks Already...

My sister used to throw huge birthday parties for her kids. Her son - my nephew - had especially big parties and through those and also various soccer games, school events etc. that I attended as a "good aunt", I met many of his friends from elementary school and middle school. During his high school years I would continue to see my nephew with a few of those boys but some had just dropped off the radar. So occasionally, I would ask, "Hey, whatever happened to so and so?" Inevitably the answer would be, "Oh he got involved in drugs and is now in rehab." Or "Oh he got in with the wrong crowd and drugs and alcohol and is now in jail." That sort of stuff - fully 2/3rds of the boys my nephew regularly hung out with in elementary school and middle school all seemed to take the wrong road and it all seemed to be related to drug or alcohol abuse. Now, one could just say that my nephew had particularly bad taste in friends early on and as he is an enormously kind and empathetic person, I definitely think that he would take some "unfortunate souls" under his friendly wing and it would not always work out. But still….

Fast forward to my oldest son who is finishing middle school (8th grade - age 14 years) next week. My son also used to have big birthday parties and we have always had boys around and about our home. And over the years some have dropped off the radar. In many cases it is just because they developed different interests and friendships but for a few of them the story has been, "Oh he was sent to the alternative school for dealing drugs" or "Oh he was sent to the alternative school because he was caught smoking dope in the bathroom." That sort of thing. The same sort of thing that happened to my nephew's former pals.

Have I mentioned that these are middle-schoolers? They are 14 years old or less and they are already taking drugs. They are from "good families" and they are already abusing substances. The friends of my son's who have "gone this way", I can say as someone who observed them closely that it was usually pretty obvious that something was awry early on. I have not really been surprised. Either these were the out-of-control boys who were severely ADHD and drugged out of their minds by their parents and pediatricians or they had parents that I just flat out thought were "crazy" and thus it seems to run in the family.

But my oldest has also reached the age and stage where the cliques and groups are forming. And the careless and heartless generalizations about folks. I get a lot of "He hangs out now with the kids who are losers." And I consider my son a pretty empathetic and "good kid" but he is already labeling. And if HE is labeling, then parents are labeling and teachers are labeling. It boggles my mind that a child of 14 has already been classified as a "loser." What in the world chance do they have? Don't get me wrong - I am glad that my son has learned "discernment" and who to avoid and who will be a bad influence; this is not about my son. It is about those kids who are obviously falling through the cracks and are to be avoided.

I think collectively that we all need to be on the look out for this. There are way too many "losers" falling through the cracks at too early an age. Already so much potential lost. Already so many substances being abused. My youngest son is a loner and exhibits a lot of traits that clear hindsight tells me that my husband probably exhibited as a child. But my youngest is in therapy. He is a good and talented child but still, I WATCH and LISTEN. How many are not watching and listening? I don't want my child to be a "loser." And I certainly don't want him to hang with the wrong crowd and get involved with substance abuse. I am honest with him; he knows that alcoholism is a genetically-caused pre-disposition and that he needs to make wise choices. With this child I try my best to make sure he makes those wise choices. Same with my oldest son.

If someone in your family is an alcoholic or drug abuser - especially if it is a direct-line father or mother or grandfather or grandmother, be honest with your children. They need to know what is going on and that just like their red hair or their green eyes, a pre-disposition towards substance abuse can be inherited. It is a disease that they must be vigilant against. Because they needn't fall through the cracks if someone is really paying attention...

Throw Back Thursday

Yep! This was my guy...the man I fell in love with! To be quite honest, I fell in love with the CAR first! Ah, memories!

Facebook has this meme now: Throw Back Thursday. It is kind of fun - folks post their photos - often prom pics with puffy sleeves and big hair..that sort of thing. I took the opportunity to reflect on how I fell in love with Hubby. Let's face it - the "rebel" in Hubby appealed to me. I was always so happy and cheerful and I was quite the goody two-shoes: all A's (summa cum laude et al), always with a great attitude and doing what I was told. Hubby was brilliant and he was also busy rebelling against the life his parents wanted for him: taking over the family medical practice, marrying the "right" socialite, buying a house right next door to the family mansion.... He wanted to marry little old me and be a research scientist instead. It was all terribly romantic.

And as I have said before, for 18 of our 25 years of marriage it was fine. Problems with Hubby's family ironed out and I adored my in-laws. Hubby forged his own successful career; we had our two sons. However, there was always this one thing....the "rebel" never changed his fundamental discontent. He was always convinced his parents didn't love him; he was always convinced that folks were "out to get him"; he was always longing for more, more, more (more cars, more tools, more salary); he was always "getting in trouble" at work..you know, because of that "rebel spirit" that got everyone's back up.

That was always the way that my Hubby was. It never occurred to me that he was mentally ill. Sure - I thought it was odd that he didn't seem to "snap out it" or "grow up" but heck, I know a lot of guys who are just like they were in college... I just never knew that what was on the surface was hiding problems that were so deep.

The point of this entry, I guess, is to say to educate oneself and trust your gut. I remember one time eating out with Hubby and realizing that we were having the same conversation that we had had since we first went out for dinner - how his parents didn't love him; how worthless everyone was; how much better things should be...all negativity and gloom and doom - and thinking, "Huh...it sure is kind of strange that all he does is talk about this. I wonder if it means something?" But then putting it aside and having that gut instinct get subsumed in the busy-ness of life, career, and kids.

If you think something may be wrong, it probably is. That's all for today - kind of disjointed - hope it helps.

Throw Back Thursday....yeah....

Another Storm He Will Miss

Hubby used to love big storms. He was a science teacher so they fascinated him on a scientific level but also on a visceral level as well. We have had some quite horrific storms in my part of the country lately; the latest killed several folks in Arkansas in fact.

A few weeks ago, we had a bad storm in our home town with two tornados and baseball sized hail. The sirens sounded for about 45 minutes. It caused a lot of damage in our town; I was fortunate - I live on the side of town that just got heavy rains, thunder and lightening and some pebble-sized hail.

I enjoy storms as well. I opened the screen door and went out on the balcony and watched. But such events make me sad now because of the memory of how much Hubby would have loved this. My first thought is always, "Oh, poor ---, he would have loved this so and he is missing it all."

We have a flat roof on our house and I remember that Hubby would go up there in bad storms and clear off the roof and make sure the drains were not clogged. There was something about being up there in the pouring rain and strong wind that made him so happy - he would come back inside with a big grin on his face asking for a dry towel...

Oh you are missing this wonderful storm! Oh, you are missing your oldest son being inducted into National Junior Honor Society and National Junior Thespians this week. Oh, you missed your youngest son getting his black belt. Oh, you missed him singing a beautiful solo at the jazz festival this weekend.

Oh...how...sad....

I heard a fly buzz when I died;
The stillness round my form
Was like the stillness in the air
Between the heaves of storm. --- Emily Dickinson

Concerning "Who Will Win?"

I have followed the postings of The Immortal Alcoholic for many years. I actually came upon her blog after googling "immortal alcoholic" in frustration one day with Hubby. Hubby had had so many accidents by that time! He had fallen and hit his head many, many times - ending up in the hospital. He had an accident on his motorcycle (while drunk) where he was hit by a semi and then thrown under another semi, dragged 800 ft and slammed into a guard rail wall and walked away with 4 cracked ribs - that's all. The doctors and nurses were amazed and said that my husband was truly "immortal".

And I remember thinking, "Yeah, great. Lucky me...har,har..." So I googled "immortal alcoholic" and found that great blog which helped me so much! It is terrible feeling that way. You start thinking "Will this nightmare ever end?" and then you feel so horribly guilty because it is such a sin to wish for someone else's obliteration. But there it is. I must say that I do understand why some people murder. Because it is so very awful to live with an alcoholic.

At least towards the end my thoughts were tempered with knowing that Hubby was miserable and actually wanted to die. But, believe me, it took some therapy sessions to convince myself that I was not some sort of evil person for thinking these thoughts.

Linda, of The Immortal Alcoholic, in her March 25, 2014 post "Who will win?" expressed such dark thoughts so well. She writes, "The only way I can make sense of all this is to make sure that I stay healthy and outlive Riley....I actually WANT my life and have many things planned for my Riley-free days." She then goes on later to say that "if you die before the alcoholic, alcoholism wins."

That is SO much how I felt! I was so afraid that my two sons would have a long miserable childhood because of Hubby. And I was so afraid that my dear mother who worries so much about me and is in her 80's would die before she knew that I was free, and safe, and happy. And no matter how awful it sounds, I am so grateful that this was not the fate of me, my mother or my sons. And yes, Hubby had to die before we could know such freedom and happiness again.

So there it is. Folks like Linda and I need to keep expressing such feelings openly. Because all family members who - through a variety of circumstances - are forced to be in an alcoholic home have these dark thoughts. It is OK to have these dark thoughts. The alcoholic in your life has often had such dark thoughts about YOU...because YOU, of course, are the real "bad guy", right? So have 'em. Don't feel guilty about 'em. Make your "life without my alcoholic" bucket list. And don't let alcoholism win.

About Love....

I am so sorry that I have not posted in months and months! Life really does go on doesn't it? Especially with two sons and all their activities. I have a full life: full-time job, part-time karate instructor, mom...and before you know it, the blog has taken a back seat. Lots of catching up to do. So many things to post about.. dealing with December holidays is one. But today I am going to take a page out of The Immortal Alcoholic's book and "celebrate" Valentine's month with a post.

I just finished writing an article on being the wife of an alcoholic and submitted it unsolicited (fingers crossed that it will be accepted!) to a humor website of all things! In the opening paragraph I talk about my marriage experience as being like putting money in a vending machine and hitting the Snickers button and having a Twix bar come out instead (I don't like Twix bars!). Because when you marry someone you never know what you are going to get! Especially since as the years go by (25 of them in my case) folks change. Sometimes they just morph into a different person, sometimes they leave you for another, sometimes an illness like cancer takes away the one you love and sometimes an illness like alcoholism does. Either way you watch the person you had slip away.

My Valentine's post is about love and is specifically geared towards a conversation with the "co-dependent" crowd. You can look up this term in Wikipedia if you don't really know what it means. During the span of hubby's alcoholism I was constantly afraid that I was going to become a co-dependent. I kept a mental list of "signs that you are co-dependent" and became anxious if I started to exhibit any of those unwholesome characteristics. Of course - silly - the mere fact that I was being this vigilant probably means I wasn't co-dependent but it sure did worry me a lot!

When you are the spouse of an alcoholic who chooses to stay with that alcoholic for whatever reason (I have outlined some of the reasons already in this blog) there are probably gossips here and there who bandy about the co-dependent label for you. Ah well...it is what it is.

One of the things I have not talked about (and which causes me to say a big "suck it" to the "label me as co-dependent" crowd) is hanging in there with your alcoholic until the bitter end because of LOVE (seems appropriate for Valentine's Day!). This is probably a wildly inappropriate thought for the majority of spouses suffering through an alcoholic marriage but it DOES apply to me and my sons.

I loved my husband with a passion. I took traditional marriage vows that promised to stay in sickness and in health and as I truly do believe that alcoholism is a sickness well there you are. In the beginning I stayed in because of the whole "sickness and health" thing but..yeah...it really wore thin in a brutal way which is why divorce is often necessary. I have gone into the legal and practical reasons as to why I did not leave and divorce Hubby. But I have not really gone into the LOVE reasons.

My sons and I had a conference in the oldest one's bedroom one night about what to do with Hubby and Dad. The three of us made a pact to stay in for the long haul with him. Because the alternative was probably to have him die alone in the house and be a mess and be one of those awful stories where he is not found for days etc. And really no one wants to treat someone that they used to love that way. Especially when that person used to love you as well and probably still does somewhere in the deep dark recesses of whatever mind is left. At least the three of us decided that we did not want to treat Hubby and Dad that way.

There were also very brief moments now and then when a flash of the old Hubby and Dad and how he used to be would come through and we would remember how great he was. And there were even more horrible flashes for me when Hubby would suddenly look at me long and hard and deeply and I could see in his eyes the incredible pain and suffering he felt and knew how badly he wanted to die. So many times those eyes would beg me to release him from the hell in some way.

No two alcoholics are alike. Mine was fairly OK as far as that goes; so many more are such dreadful assholes all the time (mine was only an asshole most of the time!). Family has to make decisions based on each unique situation. Sometimes decisions are made because of unhealthy co-dependent reasons. There were many reasons I made mine and one of those was LOVE.

BTW, just because I felt love does not mean I didn't feel hate. But that is for another post.... Happy Late Valentine's Day....survive!