And…yet another post about Robin Williams

Geez - there have been dozens and dozens of posts about Robin Williams today. The most meaningful for me is this one by David Wong at one of my favorite humor sites.

Wong ends his article with this statement: "….this has nothing to do with life circumstances -- you were rich and accomplished and respected and beloved by friends and family, and in the end it meant jack fucking shit." This hit home for me because it was how I always felt about Hubby. Hubby had everything and he "blew it" with his alcoholism. However, I am doing Hubby a bit of a disservice here - Hubby suffered from depression which he attempted to "cure" with alcohol and it killed him.

Why do alcoholics and addicts become alcoholics and addicts? Many reasons I am sure. Some talk about having an "addictive personality". For some (Hubby is a great example of this), it may be sheer stubbornness; this belief that "I am an intelligent person and I DO NOT NEED ANY HELP with my depression - I can fix it myself!" Hubby would never go seek help; he felt that counseling was for "weak people" - not realizing that he was a "weak person" or perhaps knowing that he was and being ashamed of it. Perhaps I was partly responsible for this - I am a rather self-assured, almost outrageously capable person who, I am told, often awes and overwhelms people with my ability to face and overcome adversity (their words, not mine). Maybe Hubby was too ashamed to admit to ME that he needed help; maybe I am the type who did not invite such confessions of weakness. Maybe it is all my fault that he died.

Well, of course not really - we all make choices on how to cope with things and Hubby made his choice and I am not responsible for his choice though maybe I was a contributing factor to his choice. These are the thoughts that plague me still about his addiction and death. These are the thoughts that I imagine are running through the minds of Robin's friends and family. God help them and love them.

Williams' death has sparked this conversation among us even if only for a little while. I guess what I am saying is, there is a fine line between being kind and being an enabler. Many times those of us who live with alcoholics and addicts are so afraid of being enablers that we forget to be kind. But it is so darn hard, isn't it? Because alcoholics and addicts are such damn pains in the asses and they make our lives miserable. It is easy to say "Aw shucks - how awful" about a beloved celebrity like Williams. It is hard to say "Aw shucks - how awful" when you are comforting your child who has been cussed out by his drunken daddy for no reason whatsoever or when you are scrubbing and scrubbing that strange black goo that appears in the toilet every day that an alcoholic uses (what in the heck IS that goo? What in the heck was in Hubby's pee that caused that goo?! But I digress…) or when you are bailing your alcoholic out of jail.

Or when you can't sleep at night because your alcoholic is thrashing and crashing around the house because he can't sleep and is miserable and suddenly there is utter silence and you think, "Ah, at last he has settled down quietly and I can get some rest" (only to discover the next day that he sure did settle down… he fell down and died).

Be kind. Be aware of the contradictions in being kind and try to be ok with that. Because - yeah - your loved one may be the next one who had it all but it "meant jack fucking shit."

The Great Convergence of the Ill-Used Women

One of the people who kept me sane during the years of Hubby the Alcoholic and then continued to lift me out of my doldrums after his death and show me how to have fun is my roommate from college (I will call her "Roomie"). Roomie is a brilliant scholar, a college professor and dean, who really knows how to have fun. She is basically a small town southern gal at heart just like I am despite our highly-vaunted college degrees and jobs and such. This is what I love about her - she understands how I can get into both Stockhausen and AC/DC, art films and Transformers, classical and KISS. I love a fine wine but I love a cool 1960's Camaro with a hot engine at a bonfire on the lakeshore even more…. Roomie has been ill-used by men. This was constant during our time together in college and beyond. Her husband left her for a graduate student - left his beautiful, intelligent, big-hearted wife for a grad student…ah well…. I see Roomie a lot.

Now my second closest female friend is moving back into my town. I will call her "High School Besty". Brilliant vocalist, award-winning choir director got a job at a big high school near me. Also a small-town southern gal. Moving here this weekend. Besty has also been "ill-used". Was on the losing side of a divorce. So it goes. I plan on seeing Besty a lot.

And though I scarcely consider myself a "victim" I guess I must admit to being "ill-used". Because everyone who is manipulated by an alcoholic is ill-used. I know…you are only manipulated if you let yourself be manipulated, but it often takes awhile for us to figure it out! The alcoholic uses you (and your money and your kids and your life) all up until you figure it out either on your own or with the help of a support group or therapist.

I look forward to this gathering of ill-used women that I see happening soon in my future. Not so that we can sit around and moan and groan (none of us are moaners and groaners) but simply so that we can have some fun. We are talented, intelligent, healthy, good-looking women. By being so capable we became our worst enemies; the users were drawn to us because we could prop them up. We are smarter now. We can still have a good time and we deserve it. Cue the AC/DC...

That's all.