I have followed the postings of The Immortal Alcoholic for many years. I actually came upon her blog after googling "immortal alcoholic" in frustration one day with Hubby. Hubby had had so many accidents by that time! He had fallen and hit his head many, many times - ending up in the hospital. He had an accident on his motorcycle (while drunk) where he was hit by a semi and then thrown under another semi, dragged 800 ft and slammed into a guard rail wall and walked away with 4 cracked ribs - that's all. The doctors and nurses were amazed and said that my husband was truly "immortal".
And I remember thinking, "Yeah, great. Lucky me...har,har..." So I googled "immortal alcoholic" and found that great blog which helped me so much! It is terrible feeling that way. You start thinking "Will this nightmare ever end?" and then you feel so horribly guilty because it is such a sin to wish for someone else's obliteration. But there it is. I must say that I do understand why some people murder. Because it is so very awful to live with an alcoholic.
At least towards the end my thoughts were tempered with knowing that Hubby was miserable and actually wanted to die. But, believe me, it took some therapy sessions to convince myself that I was not some sort of evil person for thinking these thoughts.
Linda, of The Immortal Alcoholic, in her March 25, 2014 post "Who will win?" expressed such dark thoughts so well. She writes, "The only way I can make sense of all this is to make sure that I stay healthy and outlive Riley....I actually WANT my life and have many things planned for my Riley-free days." She then goes on later to say that "if you die before the alcoholic, alcoholism wins."
That is SO much how I felt! I was so afraid that my two sons would have a long miserable childhood because of Hubby. And I was so afraid that my dear mother who worries so much about me and is in her 80's would die before she knew that I was free, and safe, and happy. And no matter how awful it sounds, I am so grateful that this was not the fate of me, my mother or my sons. And yes, Hubby had to die before we could know such freedom and happiness again.
So there it is. Folks like Linda and I need to keep expressing such feelings openly. Because all family members who - through a variety of circumstances - are forced to be in an alcoholic home have these dark thoughts. It is OK to have these dark thoughts. The alcoholic in your life has often had such dark thoughts about YOU...because YOU, of course, are the real "bad guy", right? So have 'em. Don't feel guilty about 'em. Make your "life without my alcoholic" bucket list. And don't let alcoholism win.
