Whew! At last THAT'S over!

When we are crushed like grapes we cannot think of the wine we will become.
--Henri Nouwen (1996)

I decided not to do a Valentine's Day post because others in the "folks-living-with/living-beyond alcoholics community" have done it so much better. But, I believe I express for the majority of us the sense that "Thank God, Valentine's Day" is over! Alcoholics ruin holidays in so many ways. I felt dread for years - not for myself - for my sons and for my mother. I wanted their holidays to be happy so I spent an exhaustive amount of time (especially at Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Year's - things that involved an extended family meal) protecting them from the consequences of an alcoholic in the family.

I stayed with my husband throughout his alcoholism and death but I often wonder what would have been the breaking point. What would have finally made it so absolutely horrible that it would not matter that my sons and I would have lived in a cramped apartment on food stamps while half of my salary went to my husband as alimony and he lived in the home I was paying for. (I told you - the divorce laws in my state are a BITCH...they are meant to protect the stay-at-home mom who is left by her husband for the latest Barbie doll but they have unintended consequences...) When the violence that might have erupted from him (possibly gun-related) would not have mattered. When the pain and sadness became so unbearable that the only answer was to leave.

I don't know. Because he died before it became that way. The last straw had not yet been broken. But - you know - upon reflection this weekend, I realize that it would have not been much longer.

My heart and hope go out to those for whom that decision has become the obvious and inevitable choice. I realize that I actually have had it pretty darn "easy" - my problem just - poof! - went away. The knowledge of this frequently boggles my mind. I have survived cancer twice and also this. And I am becoming "fine wine." Wow, just wow. Anne LaMott says the three essential prayers are "Help. Thanks. Wow." Well, there you have it.

So, to those of you who have been called a "bitch" (or "bastard") just that one too many times. To my friend who inspired this blog who received her final divorce settlement (from her alcoholic) on this Valentine's Day. To all the many others I do not know personally or digitally. I am thinking of you and though it may seem odd to use Nouwen's "wine" quote in a blog about the aftermath of an alcoholic home, I do so look forward to the day when you emerge from this as a "fine wine" or - at the very least - a nice, cold glass of Dr. Pepper!

Retreat

For the first time in about four years all the stars aligned and I was able to go on our church's "Women's Retreat" for the weekend. Once Hubby got so awful that it was not safe to leave the boys for a weekend away I stopped all such travels. Now that my mother is finally retired (she retired from full-time high school teacher at age 82! Go Mom!) she can stay with the boys.

These retreats are of an inspirational nature. This one focused on "cups" and filling our cup and emptying our cup and how God holds us in both hands like a cup et al. Most of this stuff is simply common sense if you think about it; but whoever thinks about it unless one is on a lovely retreat in a beautiful lakeside conference center? So - that makes such retreats a good thing to go on.

Another thing that the retreat reminded me of (and which is a bit of a "theme" of our little blog community) is the idea that one is not alone in one's suffering. Often times we look at others and think that they have it all together only to discover that they are struggling with some awful stuff! Things discovered on this retreat included family member suicides, sons in prison, extreme anxiety disorders.... all confessed by outwardly calm, collected, beautifully-coiffed women. Many were unaware of the situation that I had gone through with Hubby. It all makes one feel better to know that one is not alone.

My wish for all readers today is that you get a "retreat". Maybe you don't get a nice weekend getaway to the lake but I hope you are able to take a few moments of alone time and silence. You are not alone - my thoughts are always with you.

The other day I was listening to the soundtrack to the movie, The Crow. I know - dreadful stuff - one of Hubby's favorite movies (he had terrible taste in movies - the more blood, the better!) but the soundtrack is a wonderful "set piece" of early 90's industrial music. I mean, it had been FOREVER since I had listened to Nine Inch Nails or Rage Against The Machine...took me back!

Lyrics of one song struck me as appropriate here: "Oh, it won't rain all the time. The sky won't fall forever. And though the night seems long, your tears won't fall forever." Here's to the morning for all of us....