A tale of two stashes

This past winter break I decided that I was going to finally get rid of all clutter and extraneous stuff in my house. I was quite successful - I actually now have some virtually empty closets, drawers and bins. My sons enthusiastically donated or sold all remaining Hot Wheels cars, Legos and Nerf guns. I cleared out a ton of clothes and junk and just gave things a thorough going over. When Hubby died my sister came over immediately and helped me get rid of all of the "it's got to go; too darn painful" stuff like his toothbrush, his clothing etc. But most everything else had languished. I will probably NEVER finish with the garage - the guy just had too darn many tools!

Came across some surprises which were a study in contrasts - both made me say, "Oh dear..." with a blend of sadness and madness. First one was found on Christmas Day in the drawer of my desk (and I swear I have opened that drawer a zillion times and have NEVER seen this before):

Well, you can just imagine the effect this had on me ..... I still don't know what to say. I wonder when he wrote this; obviously during one of his more lucid moments. It may have been during the final three weeks of his life after the intervention at the hospital. When he was off the alcohol and actually seemed very much at peace.

The second one was - when I was cleaning out my kitchen cabinets and putting new shelf paper in, I got on a ladder and got into the very tippety-top shelf and wouldn't you know it - I found 3 shot glasses FULL of VERY OLD (4 years old) BOOZE stashed up in the darkest corner!

Wish Hubby had stashed a little bit more of the love and a little bit less of the booze... Ah well...

Another Anxiety Attack

Last fall on two occasions I was called in because my oldest son had an "anxiety attack" (for want of a better term - they are not really about anxiety, they are about frustration). During these events, my son becomes very upset with the behavior of others and it leads to him kind of "freaking out" (once again - for want of a better term) - he does no harm to others; he harms himself (he starts hitting himself in the face). He goes to therapy for this and when these occur we really step up the visits until he calms down again.

I have asked my son about this and he talks about feeling "separate" from others due to the experiences that he has had. Most of these have to do with his early years as a child of an alcoholic but some also have to do with the considerable amount of travel he has done and mission work in third world countries that we have done as a family (he has seen a lot of poverty). His frustration is with the fact that his school mates - in his words - "don't know what is important. They think they have problems but they really don't. They have drama about the dumbest things. It makes me so mad because they have no clue how hard life can be......"

My younger son has said these same things to me but does not have the "attacks." He kind of just shrugs, says "Meh, they are idiots" and moves along his merry way (or goes fishing - he is a bit of an introvert).

It has been observed by more than one person who knows my sons that they have "old souls." They are definitely different from their peers.

The point of this post is: living with an alcoholic parent is going to AFFECT your kids. No matter how hard you try to protect them. This EFFECT (I hate when folks use "affect" and "effect" incorrectly!) needs to be a MAJOR PART of your decision of whether to stay or go as a spouse of an alcoholic. I must admit that I had no clue that it would have this profound of an effect - I thought I could protect them pretty well and in retrospect, I did, but knowing then what I know now, I may have risked the severe financial and legal ramifications to remove my sons from the situation.

Ah well - hindsight is 20/20 and there are some advantages to being a child with an "old soul", I imagine. But - I am letting others who may be struggling with the "stay or go" decision have a bit of insight into what can happen. Hope it helps and doesn't just lead to further muddying of your waters. And above all - no matter what decisions you make about the entire horrible situation - NEVER FEEL GUILTY. You have your reasons - you are a smart and good person - it is no one else's business.

You all are in my thoughts....

I am back!

Hello to everyone - yes, it has been almost 8 months since I last posted. Life just got very over-whelming - not in a bad way; just in the normal "I am a single mother with two teen-aged sons" way. Many things have happened since I last posted which was right after I got back from a much promised (to myself and to my sons) trip to London and Paris with my sons. BTW - I am still paying off that trip but I do not regret it for the world!

I have been scribbling down ideas for posts during these months so I am not entirely bereft of ideas. Also - during these past few months, I have started to finally feel like resurrecting another part of my life which is that of a composer and musicologist. I make my living in academic IT administration but my studies and advanced degrees have all been in music and I have written many pieces and had many performances and also wrote an award-winning book.

I am working on the second edition of that book, a new piece of music, and another book. But sometimes I still just get so incredibly tired and find myself just watching TV or walking the dog. Nothing wrong with that - at least the things in life that currently "overwhelm me" and sap my creative spirit are not "real problems or issues" anymore - they are just the normal tiredness of motherhood. When you pour a lot of creative energy into keeping your children on the right and upward path, there is not much left for musical notes.

This creative "come back" has been a long time in coming. I ceased all creative endeavors in 2006 (with the exception of a short, commissioned piece of music in 2009) when it became quite obvious to me that my husband for SOME reason (remember, it took me a long while to figure out what was wrong with him) was seriously on the skids. I quickly determined that my creative energies were going to need to be focused on my family. Little did I realize how all-consuming that would be. Then in 2012 after Hubby died, a few days later I saw a musical colleague on campus who was involved in many of the same creative organizations and conferences that I was who quite naturally asked me how I was doing (in the wake of Hubby's death). I told him that I was going to be fine and to tell everyone that I was going to be fine but that I was "going to go away for awhile." Because I knew that creative recovery from the horror of those past six years was going to be long in coming.

Finally in Fall 2015 I have stopped "going away." I went to my first music conference in the fall and was heartened at the warm welcome back. One of my colleagues actually mistook me for another composer who is about 30 years younger than I am. While we were laughing about this she said, "But you must understand that when I saw you last, you looked 30 years older than you were. Now you look 30 years younger than you are!" Yes - having the weight of the world off of your shoulders makes a big difference.

I still follow the blogs in our "partner of alcoholics" community quite faithfully. Especially, I think about Sandy of Taking Back Me and Linda of The Immortal Alcoholic daily (often several times a day) and everyone else who is still dealing with this awful and untenable situation. I will celebrate the days that the weight of the world lifts from their shoulders and from others' shoulders.

I am getting back into the writing and creative game again and look forward to participating more fully again in this community.