I just finished writing an article on being the wife of an alcoholic and submitted it unsolicited (fingers crossed that it will be accepted!) to a humor website of all things! In the opening paragraph I talk about my marriage experience as being like putting money in a vending machine and hitting the Snickers button and having a Twix bar come out instead (I don't like Twix bars!). Because when you marry someone you never know what you are going to get! Especially since as the years go by (25 of them in my case) folks change. Sometimes they just morph into a different person, sometimes they leave you for another, sometimes an illness like cancer takes away the one you love and sometimes an illness like alcoholism does. Either way you watch the person you had slip away.
My Valentine's post is about love and is specifically geared towards a conversation with the "co-dependent" crowd. You can look up this term in Wikipedia if you don't really know what it means. During the span of hubby's alcoholism I was constantly afraid that I was going to become a co-dependent. I kept a mental list of "signs that you are co-dependent" and became anxious if I started to exhibit any of those unwholesome characteristics. Of course - silly - the mere fact that I was being this vigilant probably means I wasn't co-dependent but it sure did worry me a lot!
When you are the spouse of an alcoholic who chooses to stay with that alcoholic for whatever reason (I have outlined some of the reasons already in this blog) there are probably gossips here and there who bandy about the co-dependent label for you. Ah well...it is what it is.
One of the things I have not talked about (and which causes me to say a big "suck it" to the "label me as co-dependent" crowd) is hanging in there with your alcoholic until the bitter end because of LOVE (seems appropriate for Valentine's Day!). This is probably a wildly inappropriate thought for the majority of spouses suffering through an alcoholic marriage but it DOES apply to me and my sons.
I loved my husband with a passion. I took traditional marriage vows that promised to stay in sickness and in health and as I truly do believe that alcoholism is a sickness well there you are. In the beginning I stayed in because of the whole "sickness and health" thing but..yeah...it really wore thin in a brutal way which is why divorce is often necessary. I have gone into the legal and practical reasons as to why I did not leave and divorce Hubby. But I have not really gone into the LOVE reasons.
My sons and I had a conference in the oldest one's bedroom one night about what to do with Hubby and Dad. The three of us made a pact to stay in for the long haul with him. Because the alternative was probably to have him die alone in the house and be a mess and be one of those awful stories where he is not found for days etc. And really no one wants to treat someone that they used to love that way. Especially when that person used to love you as well and probably still does somewhere in the deep dark recesses of whatever mind is left. At least the three of us decided that we did not want to treat Hubby and Dad that way.
There were also very brief moments now and then when a flash of the old Hubby and Dad and how he used to be would come through and we would remember how great he was. And there were even more horrible flashes for me when Hubby would suddenly look at me long and hard and deeply and I could see in his eyes the incredible pain and suffering he felt and knew how badly he wanted to die. So many times those eyes would beg me to release him from the hell in some way.
No two alcoholics are alike. Mine was fairly OK as far as that goes; so many more are such dreadful assholes all the time (mine was only an asshole most of the time!). Family has to make decisions based on each unique situation. Sometimes decisions are made because of unhealthy co-dependent reasons. There were many reasons I made mine and one of those was LOVE.
BTW, just because I felt love does not mean I didn't feel hate. But that is for another post.... Happy Late Valentine's Day....survive!
Your post touched me because I too stayed with my wife who is an alcoholic. I am glad that she has been sober in AA for nearly 8 years. And I'm glad that I found Al-Anon which has helped me cope with being affected by living with alcoholism. I believed in her and love her deeply. I'm glad that our marriage is still intact. It's hard but love is all any of us want.
ReplyDeleteThank you, Syd, for all your comments and support. I notice that you comment on The Immortal Alcoholic as well. I am glad that your alcoholic is staying sober and wish you and her all the best and much happiness
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