So in a couple of days we will at last go and scatter Hubby's ashes. I have mentioned before that Hubby was essentially an atheist which has made this a tough thing because I could not follow the basic prescriptions that the church offers - had to go it alone.
Since Hubby so loved the outdoors and evolution (his masters was in Ecology, Ethology and Evolution at the University of Illinois) we are doing this at a state park that features beautiful creeks and riverbeds and lots and lots of dinosaur tracks. I have not asked permission to do this; it is my understanding that it is perfectly legal to scatter ashes wherever. But we shall all try to be unobtrusive. I can imagine that the sight of someone scattering ashes might be a wee bit disconcerting to those who have just come for a family picnic!
I was inspired to separate Hubby's ashes into separate little (fit in the palm of your hand) jars so folks could palm them unobtrusively and wander about scattering where one sees fit. So I had to do this setup this past weekend. Do you have any idea how many ashes there are? Good grief - I opened the box and pulled out a gallon-sized baggy of them! Then it was a dilemma of how to get these all into the little jars (that I had decorated with Hubby's name - yes, I am a veritable "Martha Stewart" of cremation, I guess!) I ended up going out to Hubby's garage and grabbing a funnel of his (he would have found this terribly amusing and quite frankly, by this time I was getting a bit tickled myself!) And it was pretty messy - I keep spilling in the sink and then cleaning them all up with the hand technique your Mother teaches you to clear up crumbs at the table... and putting the ashes back in the bottle. All the while apologizing out loud to Hubby while laughing ever more hysterically because I could just imagine what this would look like as a YouTube video! Good thing I had locked myself in my bedroom/bathroom because my sons would have thought Mommy had gone insane.
You know, Hubby had a very bizarre sense of humor; I think he would have heartily appreciated all this. And now my little "Martha Macabre Stewart" jars of ashes are nestled in a tasteful basket (of course!) and I am ready to go.
And the "invitations" have been distributed and folks have RSVP'd. And the after event meal is taken care of. And everyone has directions to this rather remote park and to the proper location of this rather remote park. So everything is ready, right?
Uh-unh - I am NOT ready. I don't know what to say. I don't know what to do. Mainly because a bunch of Hubby's college friends and family are coming and they really don't know what happened to him and they really don't quite believe it ("Are you SURE he was an alcoholic? I mean, I talked with him on the phone all the time and he never SEEMED like an alcoholic!") and they are all vaguely distrustful and accusing in this way as if somehow >I< failed Hubby and am making it all up to cover my tracks..... And they are coming to send Hubby off in style and all I want to do is crawl under a rock somewhere.
I wish they would chat with my sons - they would set everyone straight. Because WE KNOW. But somehow I have to make this all about the positive distant past. And not about the negative recent past. So I have to stuff down my anger. And control my sadness. Because like Martha Stewart, I AM the hostess of this SCATTERING EVENT and I must be a good hostess.
And it is going to take me to a personal hell the likes of which I have not experienced before. I hope - like the ashes and funnel near fiasco - that it triggers humor...but then I must not laugh....
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