I realize that though I started this blog as a helpful resource, I don't think I have given any helpful advice yet. So today's post is a bit of housecleaning. This "laundry list" contains the seeds of future expanded posts but for today, the existence of these nuggets of advice will have to be enough. These are in no particular order.
1. Know when to stay and/or when to "get out". I will do an expanded post later on the many reasons why I did not divorce Hubby once it became obvious what the problem was and once he became - basically - unfit to live with. The core advice - however - is to "go with your gut on this one". You will know what is the correct decision. And depending on what you choose to do, don't let folks slap that "co-dependent" label on you if you stay - there is staying because of what your gut and heart is telling you and then there is staying because you are co-dependent. One is a psychological issue and one is not. You may stay for practical reasons. There WILL come a time when you will have to decide whether to "fish or cut bait" and that is when extended medical issues or hospital stays come into play. Because the hospital bills will start piling up and depending on what state you live in and its marriage and divorce laws, you will be half-responsible for them. This is essentially what happened with Hubby and what - in many ways - prevented a divorce. We were in such dreadful medical debt that I had no money to spare to hire a lawyer and with my state's punitive divorce laws, I would have had to pay all those bills anyway as the only partner who was able to earn a living. And I would have had to pay alimony because he was "unemployable." Really - quite a scary scenario - me and the boys on food stamps while alcoholic Hubby lived high on the hog. Unh-unh! When Hubby died, the dynamic changed because the bills became part of his estate claims. Since Hubby left no estate (cuz he was unemployed and broke), the medical institutions could claim all that they wanted but there was no money to claim against. So - for the most part - those bills went away.
2. If you have children - how much to discuss with them; how honest to be? Much of that depends on your particular situation, your children's ages and their personalities. You have to tell them SOMETHING for a variety of reasons: Your kids need to know that it is not their fault especially since addicts blame everyone else for their problems. Believe me, I catch myself agonizing a lot over whether I should have been more loving, more understanding, more nurturing... and then I have to stop and remind myself that I was not the problem and that I did all I could. Your children also need to be aware of (without scaring the heck out of them) that this is a DISEASE that their parent has and that it is - unfortunately - a disease and tendency that can be genetic. They need to learn early and learn that they must be particularly wise in their choices regarding drugs and alcohol and also must be self-aware enough to know if something is 'wrong enough' that they may need therapy and that it is ok to need therapy.
3. Finally [for now] - do not neglect your own health and the health of your kids (and/or pets). Try not to constantly turn to food and TV and comfy couches for your comfort and sustenance (though you will need to do a bit of that). Turn to exercise of some sort: long walks and hikes, long bike rides, yoga, martial arts. Watch your diet and your kids' diets. Cook healthy meals together - grow a garden and eat from that garden. I really cannot recommend martial arts enough - a good karate class will really make things right or if you want something less physically demanding than karate but with great integrity, then try aikido. Avoid "McDojos" - these tend to be (but not always) the ones in strip malls usually with a franchise symbol by the name - basically, a McDojo costs a whole lot, gives you a black belt in two years (which is worthless) and give you no spiritual, physical, or self-defense benefit. (oh...I will have a LOOONGGGG entry on martial arts - you can bet on it!)
There some basic advice - so you get your money's worth here! ;-)
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