A Picture to Focus On

One day when I was in a crafts store I found a small poster print that had all of the aesthetic elements and colors and ideas that I wanted in my house. Now before I go any further, let me explain to all of you (and, well, many of you will already know this!) that life with an alcoholic can get quite messy. Not only is there the physical mess (mid-to-end stage alcoholics have little control over body functions and also Hubby tended to stagger around a lot and crash into walls and furniture leaving big pits and scars) but one becomes so caught up in keeping life all together in the house and environs that gradually stuff can start to go to hell in a hand basket. Luckily - in my case - I was sharing the place with three males (one of whom was a drunk and the other two were little boys) so they never noticed!

Anyway, being a bit of a "Martha Stewart type", I bought the print and put it leaning up against the wall by my side of the bed. While I was still sharing a bed with Hubby, I would stare at it when he was tossing and turning about so much that I could not sleep or after a particularly bad day of being told how awful I was and how awful life was and how everything sucked etc. by Hubby. In short - I would stare at it when I was miserable in the dark.

Sometimes I would stare at it for a while and then I would close my eyes and pray for awhile - this is the only time in my life when I have ever prayed and the prayer was not spoken; I was literally in a sort of cocoon with God - hard to explain maybe like a Vulcan Mind Meld?! (haha!). And then I would stare at it again and know...just know..that someday the print would guide me into cleaning up the mess that would remain after the inevitable happened.

It has been over three years since Hubby's death and I still have not cleaned up ALL the mess. There are still a few cabinets and a barn to go through. A couple of shelves in the garage. But - for the most part - all of the physical plant of the house has been fixed, cleaned, remodeled and done. The last piece was completed yesterday; when I came home from work a new fence surrounded my back yard.

And all of it...all of it stemmed from that print. The colors, the simplicity, the slight Asian feel (well, I am a martial artist!), the peace. I hung it on the wall of my new master bathroom. It is all done.

I hope that each and every one of you has something that you can focus on that takes you away from the misery every once and awhile. Something that gives you peace...and a goal.

“Hope begins in the dark, the stubborn hope that if you just show up and try to do the right thing, the dawn will come. You wait and watch and work: you don't give up.” -- Anne Lamott (Bird by Bird)