Whew! At last THAT'S over!

When we are crushed like grapes we cannot think of the wine we will become.
--Henri Nouwen (1996)

I decided not to do a Valentine's Day post because others in the "folks-living-with/living-beyond alcoholics community" have done it so much better. But, I believe I express for the majority of us the sense that "Thank God, Valentine's Day" is over! Alcoholics ruin holidays in so many ways. I felt dread for years - not for myself - for my sons and for my mother. I wanted their holidays to be happy so I spent an exhaustive amount of time (especially at Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Year's - things that involved an extended family meal) protecting them from the consequences of an alcoholic in the family.

I stayed with my husband throughout his alcoholism and death but I often wonder what would have been the breaking point. What would have finally made it so absolutely horrible that it would not matter that my sons and I would have lived in a cramped apartment on food stamps while half of my salary went to my husband as alimony and he lived in the home I was paying for. (I told you - the divorce laws in my state are a BITCH...they are meant to protect the stay-at-home mom who is left by her husband for the latest Barbie doll but they have unintended consequences...) When the violence that might have erupted from him (possibly gun-related) would not have mattered. When the pain and sadness became so unbearable that the only answer was to leave.

I don't know. Because he died before it became that way. The last straw had not yet been broken. But - you know - upon reflection this weekend, I realize that it would have not been much longer.

My heart and hope go out to those for whom that decision has become the obvious and inevitable choice. I realize that I actually have had it pretty darn "easy" - my problem just - poof! - went away. The knowledge of this frequently boggles my mind. I have survived cancer twice and also this. And I am becoming "fine wine." Wow, just wow. Anne LaMott says the three essential prayers are "Help. Thanks. Wow." Well, there you have it.

So, to those of you who have been called a "bitch" (or "bastard") just that one too many times. To my friend who inspired this blog who received her final divorce settlement (from her alcoholic) on this Valentine's Day. To all the many others I do not know personally or digitally. I am thinking of you and though it may seem odd to use Nouwen's "wine" quote in a blog about the aftermath of an alcoholic home, I do so look forward to the day when you emerge from this as a "fine wine" or - at the very least - a nice, cold glass of Dr. Pepper!