My sister used to throw huge birthday parties for her kids. Her son - my nephew - had especially big parties and through those and also various soccer games, school events etc. that I attended as a "good aunt", I met many of his friends from elementary school and middle school. During his high school years I would continue to see my nephew with a few of those boys but some had just dropped off the radar. So occasionally, I would ask, "Hey, whatever happened to so and so?" Inevitably the answer would be, "Oh he got involved in drugs and is now in rehab." Or "Oh he got in with the wrong crowd and drugs and alcohol and is now in jail." That sort of stuff - fully 2/3rds of the boys my nephew regularly hung out with in elementary school and middle school all seemed to take the wrong road and it all seemed to be related to drug or alcohol abuse. Now, one could just say that my nephew had particularly bad taste in friends early on and as he is an enormously kind and empathetic person, I definitely think that he would take some "unfortunate souls" under his friendly wing and it would not always work out. But still….
Fast forward to my oldest son who is finishing middle school (8th grade - age 14 years) next week. My son also used to have big birthday parties and we have always had boys around and about our home. And over the years some have dropped off the radar. In many cases it is just because they developed different interests and friendships but for a few of them the story has been, "Oh he was sent to the alternative school for dealing drugs" or "Oh he was sent to the alternative school because he was caught smoking dope in the bathroom." That sort of thing. The same sort of thing that happened to my nephew's former pals.
Have I mentioned that these are middle-schoolers? They are 14 years old or less and they are already taking drugs. They are from "good families" and they are already abusing substances. The friends of my son's who have "gone this way", I can say as someone who observed them closely that it was usually pretty obvious that something was awry early on. I have not really been surprised. Either these were the out-of-control boys who were severely ADHD and drugged out of their minds by their parents and pediatricians or they had parents that I just flat out thought were "crazy" and thus it seems to run in the family.
But my oldest has also reached the age and stage where the cliques and groups are forming. And the careless and heartless generalizations about folks. I get a lot of "He hangs out now with the kids who are losers." And I consider my son a pretty empathetic and "good kid" but he is already labeling. And if HE is labeling, then parents are labeling and teachers are labeling. It boggles my mind that a child of 14 has already been classified as a "loser." What in the world chance do they have? Don't get me wrong - I am glad that my son has learned "discernment" and who to avoid and who will be a bad influence; this is not about my son. It is about those kids who are obviously falling through the cracks and are to be avoided.
I think collectively that we all need to be on the look out for this. There are way too many "losers" falling through the cracks at too early an age. Already so much potential lost. Already so many substances being abused. My youngest son is a loner and exhibits a lot of traits that clear hindsight tells me that my husband probably exhibited as a child. But my youngest is in therapy. He is a good and talented child but still, I WATCH and LISTEN. How many are not watching and listening? I don't want my child to be a "loser." And I certainly don't want him to hang with the wrong crowd and get involved with substance abuse. I am honest with him; he knows that alcoholism is a genetically-caused pre-disposition and that he needs to make wise choices. With this child I try my best to make sure he makes those wise choices. Same with my oldest son.
If someone in your family is an alcoholic or drug abuser - especially if it is a direct-line father or mother or grandfather or grandmother, be honest with your children. They need to know what is going on and that just like their red hair or their green eyes, a pre-disposition towards substance abuse can be inherited. It is a disease that they must be vigilant against. Because they needn't fall through the cracks if someone is really paying attention...
