After the Fire

We are scattering my husband's ashes on June 1, 2013.  My husband died on June 5, 2012.  And we are just now getting around to this?  I actually had someone ask me quite rudely (unintentional rudeness on their part) the other day, "What has taken you so long?"  And later I started to think "What has taken me so long?"

The boys have not pushed for it.  You know, Hubby/Daddy was alive and then he wasn't.  And things at home were bad and then suddenly they weren't.  Hubby/Daddy "died" many years ago. All the tears and sense of loss and loneliness occurred years ago. And acceptance of this fate of spousehood and childhood was accepted by the boys and me years ago.

And - you know - life with a ten year old boy and a thirteen year old boy is so darn busy. Hubby died while oldest son was at church camp in Colorado - no, he did not come home early.  He did not want to come home early.  And Hubby died the day youngest son started skateboard camp...and yes, he went to skateboard camp all week.  And my office was in the middle of a huge move after almost 20 years in the same office suite.  And I was the project manager for the move.  And they were going crazy without me.  So I went back to work after only two days because - really - what else was I supposed to do?

And then there were karate classes and tournaments, and cello lessons, and school and a planned trip to the beach.  And I looked around the house and realized that after six years of utter neglect in service to the alcoholic, it was a wreck and desperately needed to be fixed. And so there was all that..

And the estate - you know when someone dies owing a ton of medical bills - that is a very interesting situation that requires a lawyer and a lot of paperwork filing to fix in a satisfactory way that is not going to destroy you financially.

And then there was Hubby's family who he had been estranged from for years but who wanted to do the right thing but you know..."the kids have all this stuff going on and my wife was just laid off from work and my husband's parents are so ill and we can't leave them now...."

And Hubby wasn't religious (he was an agnostic) - you know, when someone is a religious church-goer the issue of "memorial" is solved.  There are "death prescriptions" for what to do in the church.  A memorial service or funeral is a standard set of procedures especially in the South.  So - what to do instead?

And you know Hubby is probably pretty darn happy now - his ashes sitting there in his closet next to his cowboy boots, and his cowboy hats, and his two handguns and the ashes of his beloved cat who died three months after he did for no explicable reason.

"What has taken you so long"?  So many reasons...so many GOOD reasons.. But only one REAL reason..

I have been ANGRY at him.  So very ANGRY at him.  He. Had. Everything.  And he thought He. Had. Nothing.  Dead at 48 - a brilliant, handsome man with a wife who loved him and two wonderful sons.  And so many others who were ready to love him but were pushed away: in-laws, mother, father, sister, brother, friends...

But it was never enough.  In 25 years of marriage I never could quite fathom what Hubby thought was missing.  But he definitely thought it was missing.  And so he started drinking.  A lot.   And now he is Missing. It. All.

So what has taken me so long?  Because I was too mad.  And then I was too sad.  And now I am still too sad but ok enough to deal with this.

And Hubby's ashes will be scattered by people who stopped loving him long ago but know that they must be there and must do this for his sons.  The ashes will be scattered at a beautiful national park with streams and fields and forests and lots and lots of dinosaur tracks which he loved.

"Good-bye to clocks ticking...and Mama's sunflowers.  And food and coffee....and sleeping and waking up.  Oh, earth, you are too wonderful for anybody to realize you.  Do any human beings ever realize life while they live it - every, every minute?" --Emily (Our Town by Thornton Wilder)