Post-Alcoholic Marriage Recovery Advice, Part One

Part One - Be Very Careful About Jumping Back Into the Game

I have a rather recently divorced friend who posted a picture on Facebook yesterday with the caption, "It's better to have nobody than to have someone who is half there, or doesn't want to be there." I happen to agree completely with this sentiment. However, my friend posted "Actually NOT...Half there is great because then I could still have me time..."

Argh! Did she not learn a THING from her awful marriage? (apparently no) Does she really want a man so desperately? (actually, yes, she does) Having been in an extremely lonely marriage because of Hubby's "mistress" the bottle (I have not had sex since January 2007 and Hubby died in June 2012...get the picture?) I cannot imagine a relationship with someone who is only "half there". I had that...and then brain damage made it gradually even less and less.

I can certainly understand wanting to have sex. Good heavens, along with chocolate and a nice glass of red wine, it is essential to life and I often feel the deprivation of such a necessary thing. But my friend has rushed into some dreadful romantic situations due to her hastiness. Being a martial artist who regularly teaches self-defense I actually worry a great deal about her safety as well and have urged her to attend one of my workshops.

I guess in many ways I am a fuddy-duddy. I have two teenage sons; I really cannot be catting around bringing home strangers who swiped RIGHT on Tinder. I tried signing up for eHarmony only to be utterly humiliated by their screening process and then I was REJECTED! (apparently it was because I don't want to be married) I scrolled through Match and POF and just felt like some sort of voyeur looking at men to buy....Ugh! Ok - so I am too old-fashioned to do that whole thing. (I admire women who can and actually another friend of mine has found a lovely gentleman through POF)

I suppose what I am trying to say in this post is - if you have survived the alcoholic marriage you probably have a great deal of healing to do. If you have children, they probably have a great deal of healing to do. And you have suffered...my God, how you have suffered... In short, you deserve the best the NEXT time 'round (if you even want a next time 'round). Hold out for a good partner now. Make a list. Have some absolutes: I absolutely MUST have this and I absolutely MUST NOT have that. You don't need to be going from the frying pan into the fire....

In many ways having been the wife of an alcoholic I have the kind of experience that lets me sense potential issues from far off. For example, I gotta say that my martial arts instructor is pretty hot stuff. Hoooo-boy is he hot stuff. But I can see the issues from MILES AWAY. There are definitely multiple reasons why this guy was only married once and it was for 18 months. I shall take a pass, thank you very much!

Someday if some guy just wants to come along, take me to fun places (and no, he doesn't have to pay all the time!), be nice to me and my family and come with a good supply of sex, wine and chocolate (hmmm...this seems to be a recurring theme!) I will be happy to play along and have a "boyfriend". And maybe that will never happen because I am too picky. But better to never have what I deserve than to settle for someone I don't deserve again....

"And if my heart be scarred and burned,
The safer, I, for all I learned."
--Dorothy Parker

Broken Toys and Broken Boys

There has been a rash of posts in our "surviving family of alcoholics" blog community about whether to leave, whether to stay, what to do about your children etc. I have pretty thoroughly outlined in my beginning posts on this blog why I stayed. I have always been one to "play the long game" and so after careful analysis of the situation, I decided to stay. As I have ALSO mentioned, this was not a decision I made by myself; I did it in conference with my two sons. We decided to stay. And I had many a conversation with God about it as well - sorry, if that turns off the non-religious but I am a very spiritual being as I have mentioned before. Did I make the right decision?

Most of the time - yes, I think I made the correct decision. Like when instead of creating even more turmoil and misery in my life and my sons' lives by uprooting, I was eventually able to convert our sad, falling down home full of bad memories into a peaceful, clean, spacious, relaxing place to live. When I don't suffer at night from any "guilt" feelings - "if only I had done this or that" kind of stuff - hell, I DID do this and that! When I witness the empathy of my boys towards others' troubles because they have been in those shoes.

But I really have my moments of doubt too. My oldest son is now in intensive therapy for panic and anxiety attacks. This is almost 3 years after my husband/his father died! The initial therapy I had the boys in worked great for the younger son but not for the older apparently. Of course, the older one always maintained he didn't need therapy. I guess he did not need it until now. I am only too happy to provide it for him.

And then this past weekend when I was clearing out and cleaning up our back yard in preparation for workmen to come and bulldoze the place up and lay a new patio I came across something. It was a smashed up toy car. And I remembered this: When I came home from work one day my husband was in one of his awful "mean drunk" states. My youngest son had accidentally broken a tool of his. So, my husband said proudly that he took one of the youngest son's toy cars and smashed it with a rock in front of him so that now "he would know how bad it feels to have one's possessions broken." Wow - oh wow. It was one of those moments. You know - when you really don't quite know how to process it? You know of the profound and deep wrongness of all of this but you just don't know what to do. I remember going into my younger son's room to make sure he was all right. He shrugged and said, "I didn't like that car anyway." I just felt numb and helpless.

Then a few days later, I was out in the back yard and my youngest son came out with a toy car and a rock and started smashing it. I asked him why he was doing that and he told me that it was because he had done something bad and that he was punishing himself. I told him that he should never destroy himself or his possessions because of doing something bad and that his father had been mean and wrong. He said he understood and that he wouldn't do it again. Well, he must have done it again in secret because when I was clearing up the yard, I found these other smashed cars....so he kept on doing it at least for awhile... So - you know - did I make the right decision?

My husband used to work at this huge desk in the garage facing the driveway. My sons and I had a "little game" (what we called it) - would we have "Good Daddy" or "Bad Daddy" tonight? We would know immediately - my husband would look up from his desk at our car driving in and we could see on his face whether he was "good" or "bad". We would always say to each other in the car either "Whew! Good Daddy tonight!" or "Uh-oh, Bad Daddy tonight!" and then we would laugh and soldier on. Jesus-Christ-on-a-crutch how sick and twisted was that - how in the hell did we survive that?

Just leave your alcoholic...just leave them... (btw - the week after my husband died I had Goodwill come and haul that big awful desk away)

If You are a Reader and a Meditator These Books may Speak to You

During the past few years while Hubby was in the throes of alcoholic decline and also afterwards, there have been several books that have "spoken" to me profoundly about what I experienced then and experience now. None of them have been 100 percent what I am all about but they have at least made me go "Hmmmmm...." and given me food for thought.

Most of these books have a religious component to them as their writers have primarily been Christians (some are priests and ministers) or have a Christian focus to their lives. This might make them not your cup of tea but I encourage a look at them anyway - just 'bleep' past the Jesus parts if you are so inclined and concentrate on the ideas of healing, slowing down, being mindful...

1. Basically any book by Anne Lamott - but most recently her Stitches and Small Victories for the most secular work and Help, Thanks, Wow for a more religiously-focused book. Lamott's talent for me seems to be that she has the ability to articulate the very things that I have been thinking about but do not know how to discuss with any fluency.

2. Many of the books by Walter Brueggemann - Brueggemann is a theologian but his philosophy that he derives from his study of the Scriptures contains universal truths and helpful words. When I read Brueggemenn I find myself constantly saying "Ah, that's right! Why did I not think of that?" Most recent texts of note: Reality, Grief, Hope: Three Urgent Prophetic Tasks, Remember You are Dust and Sabbath as Resistance: Saying No to the Culture of Now. All contain a universal message of stepping back and assessing and meditating on circumstances.

3. The Inner Voice of Love: A Journey Through Anguish to Freedom by Henri Nouwen - Nouwen was a priest and this is a journal he wrote through a very difficult period of his life. Once again - lots of "God stuff" but many universal truths.

4. The Prophet by Kahlil Gibran - this was the book that every person who graduated from high school and/or college in the 70's and 80's received as a present. Has kind of a "hippy dippy" reputation but really speaks some universal truths. I was reminded of this golden oldie a few days ago in a women's book discussion group I attend.

So that is a short list for now. Please add books / writings that have helped you in the journey with your particular alcoholic/addicts. And be at peace.

Whew! At last THAT'S over!

When we are crushed like grapes we cannot think of the wine we will become.
--Henri Nouwen (1996)

I decided not to do a Valentine's Day post because others in the "folks-living-with/living-beyond alcoholics community" have done it so much better. But, I believe I express for the majority of us the sense that "Thank God, Valentine's Day" is over! Alcoholics ruin holidays in so many ways. I felt dread for years - not for myself - for my sons and for my mother. I wanted their holidays to be happy so I spent an exhaustive amount of time (especially at Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Year's - things that involved an extended family meal) protecting them from the consequences of an alcoholic in the family.

I stayed with my husband throughout his alcoholism and death but I often wonder what would have been the breaking point. What would have finally made it so absolutely horrible that it would not matter that my sons and I would have lived in a cramped apartment on food stamps while half of my salary went to my husband as alimony and he lived in the home I was paying for. (I told you - the divorce laws in my state are a BITCH...they are meant to protect the stay-at-home mom who is left by her husband for the latest Barbie doll but they have unintended consequences...) When the violence that might have erupted from him (possibly gun-related) would not have mattered. When the pain and sadness became so unbearable that the only answer was to leave.

I don't know. Because he died before it became that way. The last straw had not yet been broken. But - you know - upon reflection this weekend, I realize that it would have not been much longer.

My heart and hope go out to those for whom that decision has become the obvious and inevitable choice. I realize that I actually have had it pretty darn "easy" - my problem just - poof! - went away. The knowledge of this frequently boggles my mind. I have survived cancer twice and also this. And I am becoming "fine wine." Wow, just wow. Anne LaMott says the three essential prayers are "Help. Thanks. Wow." Well, there you have it.

So, to those of you who have been called a "bitch" (or "bastard") just that one too many times. To my friend who inspired this blog who received her final divorce settlement (from her alcoholic) on this Valentine's Day. To all the many others I do not know personally or digitally. I am thinking of you and though it may seem odd to use Nouwen's "wine" quote in a blog about the aftermath of an alcoholic home, I do so look forward to the day when you emerge from this as a "fine wine" or - at the very least - a nice, cold glass of Dr. Pepper!

Retreat

For the first time in about four years all the stars aligned and I was able to go on our church's "Women's Retreat" for the weekend. Once Hubby got so awful that it was not safe to leave the boys for a weekend away I stopped all such travels. Now that my mother is finally retired (she retired from full-time high school teacher at age 82! Go Mom!) she can stay with the boys.

These retreats are of an inspirational nature. This one focused on "cups" and filling our cup and emptying our cup and how God holds us in both hands like a cup et al. Most of this stuff is simply common sense if you think about it; but whoever thinks about it unless one is on a lovely retreat in a beautiful lakeside conference center? So - that makes such retreats a good thing to go on.

Another thing that the retreat reminded me of (and which is a bit of a "theme" of our little blog community) is the idea that one is not alone in one's suffering. Often times we look at others and think that they have it all together only to discover that they are struggling with some awful stuff! Things discovered on this retreat included family member suicides, sons in prison, extreme anxiety disorders.... all confessed by outwardly calm, collected, beautifully-coiffed women. Many were unaware of the situation that I had gone through with Hubby. It all makes one feel better to know that one is not alone.

My wish for all readers today is that you get a "retreat". Maybe you don't get a nice weekend getaway to the lake but I hope you are able to take a few moments of alone time and silence. You are not alone - my thoughts are always with you.

The other day I was listening to the soundtrack to the movie, The Crow. I know - dreadful stuff - one of Hubby's favorite movies (he had terrible taste in movies - the more blood, the better!) but the soundtrack is a wonderful "set piece" of early 90's industrial music. I mean, it had been FOREVER since I had listened to Nine Inch Nails or Rage Against The Machine...took me back!

Lyrics of one song struck me as appropriate here: "Oh, it won't rain all the time. The sky won't fall forever. And though the night seems long, your tears won't fall forever." Here's to the morning for all of us....

A Homecoming New Year's Wish for You All

Well, it is obvious that it has been a long time since I posted. 2014 was a very busy year and for a single mom with two teenage sons, it got a little crazy. In many ways that is not a bad thing; it means that life is returning to "normal". There are still flashbacks and my oldest son requested to go back into therapy again; he was fine and then suddenly he wasn't so I am fortunate that a great new therapist was right there when he was needed.

I have a friend from college who was diagnosed with an aggressive form of breast cancer and had to immediately have a double mastectomy. After several weeks of Facebook silence she posted again saying that she was now needing to "do less reading in the breast cancer survivor blog community" and could return more to her typical social media pursuits. She needed that community and then she needed that community just a little less....

Because we - the survivors of our alcoholics and other persons with substance abuse "issues" - sometimes need our community a little bit more and then maybe a little bit less.....

Back to blogging - this is an entry that I was planning to write in late October during the typical American High School Football "Homecoming Season". This was my oldest son's first high school Homecoming and as he is a "football star" on the district-winning freshman team, it was kind of a big deal for him. In the South and especially in MY state, Homecoming takes on mythic proportions. Let's just say that there was a big game, and a pretty girl with a mum (Google "Texas Homecoming Mums" to see what I mean) and a dance.

Those of us who live with and/or lived with alcoholics and other substance abusers know that eventually "homecomings" become fraught with tension, anxiety and peril. Hubby towards the end spent all of his time in the garage and as I would pull up in the driveway with the boys, the three of us would speculate aloud as to whether we were coming home to "good Dad" or "bad Dad". "Good Dad" would look up from his garage desk and smile and say, "Hey, how's it going?". "Bad Dad" would just either frown and grunt or immediately spout out something dreadful like, "Munchie (the cat)threw up on the kitchen floor again; I was tempted to shoot her." If we saw that it was going to be "Good Dad", we would all audibly breathe a sigh of relief. Signs of "Bad Dad" just brought sighs of misery. One day my oldest son came home from school with his friends and "Bad Dad" was sitting in a puddle of his urine crying...is it any wonder the poor boy needs therapy?

Sometimes Hubby would be passed out in the bedroom. We would all tip toe around so as not to wake him and so as to enjoy the quiet peacefulness of it almost being like he wasn't there at all.....

I wish "Good Dad" (or "Good Mom" or "Good Son" or "Good Sister") homecomings for all of you in 2015. But when they are not good homecomings, I wish for you that you have the strength to endure. And maybe, just maybe it might be time to think about the quiet peacefulness of them not being there at all....

Get out if you need to get out; stay in if your heart and head tells you to stay in.....nothing to be ashamed of or feel badly about... Either way, I am thinking of you all and hope that you use our community when you need it and that someday you may need it just a little less....

Widows' Weeds

Folks who know me well know that I have a rather bizarre sense of humor. I keep being bombarded with ads for this t-shirt on my Facebook page:

I can't help but think, "...awaits me on the Other Side...in a bar...with a drink in his hand..." Whee! ;-P (I am so awful!) More serious and useful stuff soon!